I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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