My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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