Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
