i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
