Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
