Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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