So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
