Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
