Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
