He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
