We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
