Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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