I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize