I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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