dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
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