# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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