i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
