I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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