This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
