I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
