My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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