I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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