Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
