I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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