hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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