and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
