Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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