At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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