Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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