dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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