two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
