we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
