You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
