Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
