The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize