we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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