I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
