My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
