I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
