Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
