Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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