there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
