Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
