I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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