I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I cannot find my penis.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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