How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
