So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
