I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Randomize
