I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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