I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
