I'm eating all of the evidence.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I wish there were birth control emojis
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
