I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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