i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize