For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
