Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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