I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
