He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
