1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
