If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
