You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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