I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
