How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
