Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
