I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
FUCK WHALES
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
