I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
