i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
