if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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