He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
