The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
